There seems to be a force field around me, like I’ve been visited by Violet in The Incredibles. Nothing can penetrate me. Nothing can get close enough for me to feel it. It’s good and bad.
“Christmas is in two weeks. I feel nothing.”
“Well, I’d say that’s an improvement.”
Three Christmases later, I am not on the floor, crying. I don’t feel sad. Because I feel nothing. I can function. I’m not paralyzed into a catatonic state because of Christmas carols playing throughout Target. But I can’t feel joy, either. All the music, lights, happiness – I lean into it, and I feel nothing.
Christmas seems to be happening around me.
But I’m not running from it. So I’d say this is an improvement.
December, I miss loving you.
* * *
“December, the diamond-frosted clasp
linking twelve jeweled months to yet another year.”
~ Phyllis Nicholson