“Why Aren’t You Married?”

Here’s a favorite question for those of us who are single:

“Why aren’t you married yet?  I just can’t figure it out.”

 

Let me tell you the subtext of this question.

 

“Why aren’t you married?  I mean, you look like you’d be a reasonably desirable person, so why hasn’t someone snatched you right up?  You must have some hidden baggage or issues that only emerges when you’re in a relationship long enough for such skeletons to step out.  It’s probably that.  It’s probably that I just can’t see what’s wrong with you.  Because you look like someone who should be married, and you’re not, and that just puzzles me.”

 

We don’t know why we’re not married.

 

Unless we don’t want to be, since marriage is not in fact the end-all-be-all of life, even though all the married folks want all the singles to join the club as quickly as possible.  They wonder why we haven’t yet, or why we haven’t dove in again.  (I was married.  I was guilty of this presumption.)  Our culture creates space for couples first.  So many things in pairs.  One for yourself, one to share. His and hers.  It seems like everybody’s waiting to cross the finish line of the singles’ race.

 

Aside from that, there’s the curse of the ‘nice girl.’

 

Nice girls don’t date a whole lot.  Want to know why?  We have the curse of being his best friend, the one he wants to marry when it’s time, the one he’ll be ready for when he settles down, but not the one he wants to be with while he has all this freedom and space to figure himself out.

 

No, for now he’ll stick with his girfriend, but he’d sure love for you to wait in the wings and stay close by.  ‘Cause when things don’t work out for the long term with the Little Miss, then that’s when your love story will begin.

 

(It’s been true for all of the dating years of my whole life.)

***

Girls are like apples on trees.  The best ones are at the top of the tree.  It can be scary for a man to go for the good ones because might fall and get hurt. Instead, he takes the apples from the ground that might not be as great on the inside, but they’re easy to find and hold.  So the apples at the top of the tree think something is wrong with them, but in reality, they are amazing.  They just have to wait for the right one to come along, one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

~ anonymous

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4 thoughts on ““Why Aren’t You Married?”

  1. Great post, Tricia. What I don’t understand, as a now-married woman, is why so many married people seem in a rush to have their single friends married off. Marriage is wonderful, yes. But it is no more fulfilling than singleness was, and it has its own share of frustrations: compromise-work replaces lonely-work, communication-frustrations replace dating-frustrations, commitment to the future replaces questioning the future. What we should want for our friends and ourselves, married or single, is fulfillment and purpose from the One who can actually give it to us. Then our marital status will have purpose and fulfillment no matter what it is.

  2. That is so the true…I now head off the statement with “I have been given the gift of singleness.” That usually resets the conversation to the benefits of singleness and spares me the embarrassment of thier imposing questions or vailed attempts to set me up because no one wants to mess with God’s Gift.

    Thanks Tricia… I love your humor.

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