Sometimes I Don’t Miss Him

Sometimes, I don’t miss Robb.

(My love, I’m sorry for that sentence. It’s just that it’s true… I don’t always. You mattered and you matter; I loved you and I love you; and there are times when I don’t miss you and – always more shocking to me – I don’t feel sorry for not missing you.)

I don’t miss him when I’m in a social scene that he would have hated, when I know he would have looked at me from across the room and subtly lowered his eyelids to tell me he was tired and would I please, please, please wrap this thing up and begin my farewell tour.

I don’t miss him when I’ve had a great date or a fun conversation or a spark of interest in a man. Not quite surprisingly, that’s not something I want to tell him about. And sometimes, when I’m looking for silver linings, I think about the unexpected gift that is mine: I get to fall in love again. The butterflies, first kiss, hours of infatuated conversation, learning someone new – the stuff dreams are made of – I might get to do it again.

Sometimes I don’t miss him. But one thing I’ll never stop missing is his friendship.

I had a safe place beside him, guaranteed mine, always open if I was willing to slow down and settle in. Whenever I needed to find my place in the world, I turned to Robb. When a friend hurt my feelings, when insecurities ran rampant and I didn’t know where I belonged, I could turn to him. My hypersocial tendencies kept me running with a full calendar, and he was always glad to have me back.

Off my computer, away from texting. Unplugged, we called it.
I could close the door against the world, and I could know just where I fit, just where I belonged – his arms around me, his chin resting on the crown of my head. I could know the one who knew me.

You know what’s crazy? It’s the book deals and endorsements and speaking engagements that are making me a little fuzzy around the edges, wishing for boundaries while I wonder how big this might get. Who knew ‘dreams come true’ bring insecurity and careful footing? Who knew that when your world doubles in size, it’s even more comforting to have an extra snug and cozy spot at the end of the day?

Robb could hold me. Contain me. I could find my own boundaries, feel grounded and safe again. I miss the gracious silence that said, ‘Hey, I know you. This is where you belong.’

And tonight I miss that friendship.

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4 thoughts on “Sometimes I Don’t Miss Him

  1. Oh Trish…you said it for me, except I still feel guilty about having pleasure…so it will ‘go away’?

  2. And God eill always say, Hey, I know you. This is where you belong…” We’re glad you’re ok with the times you don’t miss Robb. He’d be the same if the situation was the other way. Everything you just said about yourself he’d say would also apply to him. You keep on. Find your place in this world until God places you in the next. They’re both smiling.

  3. Trish, Greg said you were amazing at Waterbrook yesterday. But I so understand, the surprise of becoming “somebody out there” is how much you need to stay grounded with the “somebody you are” — I remember hearing that James Taylor was performing and one of his audience members shouted, “I love you, James!” and he grinned and shouted back, “That’s because you don’t know me!” :) I instantly understood. People love the “you” that you show to them but that is only the part of you that you choose to show, however vulnerable and real you are. We all need someone back at the ranch to welcome us “just as we are,” who knows us thoroughly and loves us still. I’ve a feeling it won’t be long before that someone is there for you. I think maybe God has stalled on letting that someone into your life until you can be sure it is a man who really understands and can supports your blossoming career and ministry.

  4. How tender a sentiment! If we all took moments to think about our spouses in the ways you have thought of Robb and other men who have been part of your life, I wonder if our relationships would become stronger and more settled.

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