“Do You Miss Having Sex?”

“Tricia, do you miss having sex?”

I get this question on occasion, always preceded by, “I hope this isn’t too personal, but… do you?”

Yes. I do.

“It seems like that would be a hard thing to give up.”

Yes. It is.

I’ve let this topic mull in my mind a bit before I decided to write about it. Yes, it’s personal, but not too personal. I’m willing to go there with you.

I do miss it. Anyone who has had it great would miss it much. Deduce from that what you will.

But here’s the real truth: more than the sex, I miss the intimacy. They’re not the same thing.

Some can put a price tag on sex; nobody can put a price tag on intimacy. You can’t buy it, you can’t sell it, you can’t demand it, and you can’t even give it away without someone to hold it for you. That kind of giving is a shade of desperate, forced vulnerability. And it’s not healthy.

Sex isn’t hard to find. I could have it tonight, if I were set on finding it. But it would only leave me desperately vulnerable.

Intimacy is a gift. It’s a recipe of knowing, learning, remembering, falling, catching, and keeping. That is what I miss.

I think we each have a limited number of intimacy dollars to spend before they’re gone, before we have nothing left to spend, nothing left to give when we would most like to make a sizeable investment in one person.

I’ve made a few mistakes in the last three years, mistaking counterfeit dollars for the real thing. These choices only left me feeling spent, broken hearted, and desperately vulnerable. If the price is low, then the goods aren’t worth much.

I’m waiting for – and counting on – the man out there who believes sex is far more valuable than the cost of the dinner date (or two or three), the man who believes intimacy is a priceless, forever exchange.

Sex isn’t intimacy. And I’m not willing to sacrifice one for the other. It would cost too much. It would steal from what I had with Robb, from what I will have again.

Do I miss sex? Yes. Quite muchly.  (I just cleared my throat and shook my head, an indication of just how quite muchly.)

But more than that, I miss intimacy.

So, I guess you could say, I’m saving up.

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10 thoughts on ““Do You Miss Having Sex?”

  1. I can so relate to this! Not exactly the same, though, as due to the divorce and my ex’s actions toward me the intimacy thing scares me. A lot. To be that vulnerable again is going to take hard work on my part. But I still long for it.

  2. So well said my friend. You put into words once again what I’m feeling, but was unable to say.

  3. I’m having a hard time believing a woman asked you that question. I’ve read your blog for a couple years, and this never even crossed my mind.

  4. These words:
    I think we each have a limited number of intimacy dollars to spend before they’re gone, before we have nothing left to spend, nothing left to give when we would most like to make a sizeable investment in one person.

    …and these:
    I’m waiting for – and counting on – the man out there who believes sex is far more valuable than the cost of the dinner date (or two or three), the man who believes intimacy is a priceless, forever exchange.

    …are valuable, too, to parents who must find ways to teach their teens to believe they can live in today’s world and still trust in God’s Word.

    Thank you!

  5. I’ve said the same exact thing to people. When it’s dark and lonely at night, it’s the intense intimacy that I long for. That may come through sex, but it certainly goes well beyond. I never realized how much the two become the one until Stephanie died, and while it’s wrapped up in the physical, it’s not contained by the physical. Praying for you, as I pray for myself.

  6. My name is Mary and Laura Winter is my closest friend.  I’m 77 and my husband is 77, just 3 months older than me.  I read everything from you first. This is my first response.  You probably are overwhelmed with them.  Jerry and I have been married since 1956.  57 years and have raised 5 boys and 3 daughters all born healthy thank our Lord and God.  I’m sure you are way too busy and I’m way to  (not busy)  Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts with thousands o women and men like me.  Sincerely Mary Theresa Preston.  Best friend and admirer of Laura Winter  God Bless you and your family.

    >________________________________ > From: tricialottwilliford >To: marygoldie1936@yahoo.com >Sent: Monday, May 13, 2013 8:32 AM >Subject: [New post] “Do You Miss Having Sex?” > > WordPress.com >Tricia Lott Williford posted: “”Tricia, do you miss having sex?” I get this question on occasion, always preceded by, “I hope this isn’t too personal, but… do you?” Yes. I do. “It seems like that would be a hard thing to give up.” Yes. It is. I’ve let this topic mull in ” >

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